gotta get up to get down
I’ve been really down on myself. I see that just now.
I experienced such a high when that little voice said ‘I’ve come back for you and I never really left,’ with so much light and love streaming in. Things stagnated, though, and doubts crept in.
I can’t help some of the stagnation. With my mom’s cancer diagnosis and upcoming hysterectomy (she will be well afterward, I am told), it seemed like a good idea to put ‘D Day’ off for a while. I know it causes her stress, no matter how I frame it. She asked me about it this morning, so I told her: I’m in no hurry.
The thing of it, the thing that is in my control, the thing that I can’t seem to absorb, is that the really important part of this process is something I can start now: being my best me. To use a New Age cliche, the really important thing right now is raising my vibration. When I say that, I am simply using it as shorthand for self-actualization or authenticity or whatever you want to call it.
In layman’s terms, I can best address my abusive marriage (right now) by focusing on myself. I can get out of the house and make friends and pursue my dreams. I can become stronger. I can discover and adhere to ‘normal’ in a way that can’t help but advance my cause. According to my reading, this really is the best way with a narcissist. She will not be able to stand a strong, happy, independent mate. And if she can adjust, if she really does make the changes that I no longer believe she is able to make, then good for her and good for me. In the meanwhile, I can no longer put on the blinders to her behavior. The selfishness sticks out like a sore thumb now and I no longer accept the explanation that there’s something wrong with me for not ‘accepting her as she is.’
The truth is that I really have made positive changes already and that I ought to give myself some credit for it. I may struggle at times to open up and give to my kids in the way that I always want to when I am depressed, stressed, worn-out, and anxious, but dammit, at least I’m struggling to do it! If my daughter wants my attention, I am hyper-vigilant now to give it to her if at all possible. I have to give myself a break, too, because I suppose it is unreasonable to expect myself to make up the slack in the coldness of her relationship with her mother. The same goes for my son. Though I am unable to provide him with the level of attention and interaction he would no doubt desire, due to the severity of his handicaps his physical and emotional needs and desires are overwhelming. As the single parent of two kids and one narcissistic spouse, I am doing my best. He may see me as his personal servant, which is understandable and acceptable given the circumstances, but as much as I love him, I am not and cannot be the crutch that makes up for his autism. As much as I hate the fact, he has a certain cross to bear. My total servitude will not make up for his lot in life. And though total servitude has been what’s expected of me by my wife and (especially) my mother-in-law, it is not and never was in his best interest, as was pointed out by me and many others over the years. His own independence was discouraged in favor of narcissistic ideals, reason be damned. Of course, I had a hand in that by not being strong enough to insist. Now he pays the price in frustration and dependence.
The funny thing is that when he does something terribly inconvenient like wiping feces on mattresses or spilling a plate of food on the floor, my wife will moan and complain as if she is the one who has been wronged or inconvenienced – though she will never be the one to actually do any cleanup! But I digress.
In summary, kids = more playing and snuggling, me = not as awful as I feel/deserve more credit & self-nicety. Oh, and I really need to get cracking on that life thing. You know, if there’s ever time.