What really gets me
I am too weary to write exhaustively about my relationship issues, so I just do the best I can to quickly sketch things here. How can you really make anyone understand your life? You’d have to write a book. Right now, I have a cold and the kids are running rampant. I can barely catch a moment to compose a thought.
In a nutshell, the thing that gets me most is the impact her behavior has had on my son’s life.
I’m starting to see what friends and family have so long hinted about: my son’s daily care requirements are really more than any one person ought to have to bear. Yet I’ve always fought to keep him home with us. As he comes closer and closer to adulthood, I’m finally being forced to admit that this is a losing battle.
But what gets me is that though his care is really too much for one person to bear, it certainly fell within the capabilities of two. Perhaps it even would have fallen within the capabilities of one had the second party not also placed excessive additional demands on the responsible party. She has not only required me to care for him, but to care for and wait on her as well.
I’ve sometimes said to myself that if he is someday forced to live outside of the home by her lack of participation in our home life, my patience with her will have reached its limit. I just never realized it might reach its limit before then. I was able to tolerate her behavior when I thought it was ‘accidental.’ The idea that there is intentionality behind her behavior is not only unacceptable, given the circumstances it is absolutely outrageous. It’s too difficult to entertain and really more than I am able to process. I guess that’s why I’m writing about it. There is a tremendous mental and emotional block there for me filled with goddess knows what.