sex and the Narc *warning: contains graphic sexual language
No, but seriously. I really am curious. I am curious if there is one more arena in which my spouse has been fucking with my head. I wonder if some of my attitudes toward sex have formed under…false circumstances. Since my anonymity allows me to explore freely, I’ll indulge myself for a moment.
I seem to be in the minority in dealing with a female Narcissist. I’ve read some remarks that lead me to believe that male Narcissists can be stingy in the bedroom. (I’ve also read some remarks that lead me to believe they can be demanding in the bedroom.)
I’m curious if male Narcissists extend their manipulative tactics into the bedroom. Of course, I’m more curious if female narcissists do, but there’s a much smaller sample to draw from.
The reason that I ask is because I’ve always found sex with my narcissistic spouse to be confusing. That has led me to conclude that sex in general is rather confusing and, despite the obvious pleasures and rewards that will always make the pursuit of it worthwhile, ultimately unsatisfying.
Don’t get me wrong. I love sex. It’s just that I’ve found sex with my narcissistic partner to be…frustrating. Her signals seem to be ever-shifting: “Couldn’t you tell I was close?” “Couldn’t you tell I came a long time ago?” ‘Haven’t you learned to read my signals by now?” Something always seems to go wrong during sex. I never know just what, but I’ve learned to anticipate something. Sure, orgasms are had. But I come too quickly, or I take too long to come, her hand is tired, her mouth is tired (my hands and mouth always finish the job), or my orgasm is pinched off by extreme squeezing applied at just the right time. Or she gets a cramp, or she wants a difficult angle, or (fill in the blank). Now that I know she’s a narcissist, this makes perfect sense: she could very well be frustrating me on purpose. Or not. Or perhaps these things are all part of the natural ebb and flow of sex, but she magnifies and exaggerates the small hitches and hiccups.
It’s also weird because she seems (and purports) to have great orgasms, but then we hardly ever do it.
Then there’s oral sex. She seemed to love oral sex in the early part of our relationship, but she used lots and LOTS of teeth. She said her other boyfriends had enjoyed it. Why didn’t I? So I learned to both crave oral sex and hate it when I got it. So she stopped doing it because I made her feel self-conscious. Because I asked her to stop biting me. (I lost a lot of feeling in my penis for about a year after one such ‘love bite.’ Thank god, I finally recovered.)
A few years ago, she told me that she’d never had any experience before me, and had only claimed to have prior experience because she didn’t want to seem like a dork. I was her first and I’d ruined it all by having an affair.
*Total digression: She also told me her ex-fiance made a play for her, asking her to leave me, but that she said no. I recently discovered (I’m not particularly nosy or controlling, so I never checked before) that she’s facebook friends with this guy. This guy who allegedly tried to steal her from me.
I don’t really expect any response to this post. I realize sex is a private and sacred thing and not everyone is here anonymously. I just figured sex is one more area in which the Narcissist affects us, so…I’ll probably just google it.