a little light, a little dark

by imnotyourfavoritepossession

The dark: My 62-year-old mother underwent medical tests last week that turned up cancerous cells. She will have a hysterectomy. The prognosis is good, but I’m just not ready for this. I figured it we had another ten or fifteen years before having to worry about this sort of stuff. I realize it can happen at any age and worrying isn’t a useful reaction, but still. She’s had her own marital problems and in many ways is still waiting for her life to start. I want her to have many, many good years left. I worry that my decision to leave will add stress to her life at a time when she needs to be resting.

The light: After reading all (well, probably not all, but a lot) of the advice on leaving a Narcissist, I absorbed that I should be widening my circle of contacts and friends, especially in my area. There’s a guy at the grocery store (I don’t know the politically correct term for a bag boy, which does sound a bit demeaning to my ear) who’s always been extra nice and outgoing towards me, so I thought I would be proactive and ask him if he wanted to go for a beer sometime. To that end, after shopping, I spotted him in the parking lot and waved him over. When I asked him if I could get his number, his smile fell into a suspicious glare. It was very dramatic. “What for?” he asked. I didn’t really get it at first, but then it dawned on me: he thought I was hitting on him. As a confident heterosexual, this stuff just doesn’t occur to me. Not that there would be anything wrong with that, but having never been in any remotely similar situation before, I was completely nonplussed. I ended up telling him that I don’t have many friends in the area and that I’m going through some personal stuff. (I even used the A word (“my wife is a little bit, uh…abusive”) for the first time, a detail I have ambivalent feelings about.) He was really nice in the end and took my number instead because apparently they get a lot of freaky types at the grocery store and “you can’t be too careful.”

I’m never shopping there again.

 

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