tracking the day’s offenses
She woke up, announced ‘horrible back pain’ and bowed out of the day’s activities. (Per usual, on weekends.)
(I should point out, her back or her knee or her ankle, depending, has been too painful for her to do anything with or for our family for years. It’s possible that her back does hurt, but she does not do anything to help it, such as losing weight, doing yoga, or seeing a specialist. She still does all that things that she wants to do, so I can’t give her a pass on this one.)
At 12:30, I decided to push my luck and go for my 45 minute walk. Came home to my son flooding the bathroom.
While cleaning the flooded bathroom, son started pouring out cups of water in the hallway. Normally, I would be the one to intervene, but pointed it out to her to see what would happen; she did not intervene.
Took towels to laundry. Came back inside house. Son still pouring out water. Pointed it out again. She ‘called him,’ but did not intervene. I went back to the laundry room.
Son had ‘slipped away’ from her, and was again pouring out cups of water in hallway. She continued watching television.
I cleaned the hallway and went to sit down on our bed. Son slipped into daughter’s room and defecated on bed. Son came into our room, wiping feces on our bed. Wife was in the bathroom. I told her, then took son to clean him up; wife ignored feces, went back to watch television, leaving all cleanup for me.
This is the history of our marriage: I do most things, because she can’t, or isn’t good at it, or doesn’t have time, or it makes her sick, or she is in too much pain. Or she simply ignores it, doesn’t do it, without giving a reason, knowing I will pick up the slack. I finally decided it was my problem, that I needed to learn to be more like her, to be selfish, that I couldn’t keep blaming her for what I’m willing to do. It didn’t occur to me that this was intentional, conscious abuse.