Slave to the Grind

by imnotyourfavoritepossession

I have been getting such thoughtful and useful comments and replies the past few days, it’s amazing. Thank you all so much, truly.

(I’m having a panic attack right now, by the way. That’s not the sort of thing I would be forthcoming about normally. Anonymity has its perks.)

Researching narcissism is time-intensive, so it’s great to have some nudges in the right direction. It’s so hard to find time, too. Spouse lost her keys (maybe; maybe a kid took them; hard to say), which took up most of my morning. I have to leave to pick her up soon. I found them, fortunately, without too much looking, but it was most of another precious day lost.

I’m under scrutiny. Even before I started my research, she started inquiring about how I spend my time. Now, while I do my research, things aren’t getting done. What’s worse, I no longer have the will to do them. Not because I don’t want to, but because I no longer have the desire to do ‘my unfair share.’ The fact that she spent a month and a half at home before she started her new job, promising that we would unpack ‘together,’ makes me feel resentful about the idea of unpacking by myself now that she’s at work. Rather than unpack, I’d rather repack: ‘hers’ and ‘mine.’ Not ready for that yet, though, so I guess I’d better find some motivation.

She may have seen my book on how to deal with manipulators today. I had it sent to my parents’ house and sneaked it home last night in the car. She searched my car for her keys (probably not very thoroughly), so she may have seen it. If she mentions it, I’m not sure what I’ll say. I’m not used to the idea of lying to or deceiving her yet. I think that might be a bad personal precedent. Then again, personal safety is important, too. Most important, possibly.

I intended to write down our relationship history today, but there simply wasn’t time. Thursday and Friday look sketchy, too. I might go crazy if I don’t get it done before the weekend.

Courage, courage.