I worried at first over how much identifying information to share here. I realize now that there’s no way for me to say what I need to say without providing enough information for her to figure it out if she ever stumbles on this blog. I have to be frank with myself about what’s happened. I can’t do that speaking in generalities. It will have to be a hidden blog rather than completely private and anonymous.
I’m in a lot of turmoil this morning. I don’t know how to handle this new life. Normally, I handle stress pretty well. I’ve learned meditation and positive thinking in the last few years. It serves me well.
Now, I’m unsure of myself. I’m scared to let go of this, to calm down. I’m afraid if I chill out, I might forget. So I’m focused on this situation all the time and it’s burning me out.
I need help, but I’m scared. I have so much anxiety. Social anxiety in general, and huge anxiety about this. Fear of getting the ball started, loss of control. I’m afraid I might break down and cry in front of people I don’t know. That would be awful. Or it seems like it would.
I’m blocked or something. Like that feeling when you’re nauseated and need to throw up, but you really, really don’t want to.