uncovering covert abuse: the importance of getting it all down
Finally figuring out (or accepting) that you are the victim of abuse (and that, yes, your S.O. is an abuser) is not nearly as straightforward as you would think, especially if your abuser is a manipulator or covert abuser. There are a number of reasons for this.
The primary one is probably because, some of the time, things are good. Or if not good, they are at least not bad. There are times when your abuser smiles at you, acts affectionately towards you, says supportive things about you, and generally acts nothing like the insidious and corrosive force that demoralizes, intimidates, threatens, and systematically erodes your mental and emotional well-being in order to destroy your personality and subsume your independence.
But is it really true? Is it really true that they are ever NOT working on you, chipping away? Or have you just stopped noticing the more subtle moments? Besides, with a manipulator, even the good times are designed to throw you off their scent, to cause you to question yourself, to make you feel crazy. An abuser is not your friend. Even when they are acting friendly, their single goal is to destroy you.
It’s important to document all the abuse, to weigh and balance the true nature of your relationship, not just your ‘impression’ or your ‘feeling’ about the way things really are. To that end, I have started this new anonymous blog, to jot down memories and feelings. To sort it all out. It seems like a long and impossible road, but as they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Deep breath. Here we go.